this evening. i made a gruesome discovery. about myself. a gruesome truth: i have lost my innocence.
this is the time of year. when it is a pleasure to watch a horror movie. or two. this has always been the time of year. while intimations of halloween are in the air. and i have always been afraid. and thrilled. and elated. with the delights of darkness. and the bloodrush of terror.
but. this evening. something new. happened. i watched a movie that had always terrified me. and i was unafraid. i found it silly. ridiculous. childish.
is this what happens when we get older and begin to think with more logic and less fantasy? does fantasy lose its credibility? do we lose a sliver of our imagination? does the world of inspiration become moot? do we lose our ability to be moved by something we don't believe to be true? do we lose joy with more thought... and less play?
when i was a child. i did not know to think or make logic out of a horror film. my mind believed what my eyes saw... even on a screen. my mind also believed what my mind wanted to believe. now. i only believe what i see... in real life. and i even question that... it seems. what happens inside us? why do we release that last bit of innocence? and do we release it? or does it release us? is this an inevitability?
it is quite a sad thing to no longer fear... or be moved... by fantasy. it is a sad thing. to no longer fear. period. and if there is anything. now. that scares. and terrifies. and petrifies. and compels me to be afraid. it is this loss. quite simply. of being afraid. and if there is anything. now. that saddens. and dejects. it is this loss. quite simply. of innocence.