i. am. published.
this is surreal.
unbelievable.
i. am. published.
i need to repeat it.
so i can believe it.
i. am. published.
i need to taste it.
so i can know it.
I. AM. PUBLISHED.
and i'm off to celebrate.
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!
(yes. that was a scream. of utter joy! and boundless elation!)
Saturday
Friday
10292010
this evening. i made a gruesome discovery. about myself. a gruesome truth: i have lost my innocence.
this is the time of year. when it is a pleasure to watch a horror movie. or two. this has always been the time of year. while intimations of halloween are in the air. and i have always been afraid. and thrilled. and elated. with the delights of darkness. and the bloodrush of terror.
but. this evening. something new. happened. i watched a movie that had always terrified me. and i was unafraid. i found it silly. ridiculous. childish.
is this what happens when we get older and begin to think with more logic and less fantasy? does fantasy lose its credibility? do we lose a sliver of our imagination? does the world of inspiration become moot? do we lose our ability to be moved by something we don't believe to be true? do we lose joy with more thought... and less play?
when i was a child. i did not know to think or make logic out of a horror film. my mind believed what my eyes saw... even on a screen. my mind also believed what my mind wanted to believe. now. i only believe what i see... in real life. and i even question that... it seems. what happens inside us? why do we release that last bit of innocence? and do we release it? or does it release us? is this an inevitability?
it is quite a sad thing to no longer fear... or be moved... by fantasy. it is a sad thing. to no longer fear. period. and if there is anything. now. that scares. and terrifies. and petrifies. and compels me to be afraid. it is this loss. quite simply. of being afraid. and if there is anything. now. that saddens. and dejects. it is this loss. quite simply. of innocence.
this is the time of year. when it is a pleasure to watch a horror movie. or two. this has always been the time of year. while intimations of halloween are in the air. and i have always been afraid. and thrilled. and elated. with the delights of darkness. and the bloodrush of terror.
but. this evening. something new. happened. i watched a movie that had always terrified me. and i was unafraid. i found it silly. ridiculous. childish.
is this what happens when we get older and begin to think with more logic and less fantasy? does fantasy lose its credibility? do we lose a sliver of our imagination? does the world of inspiration become moot? do we lose our ability to be moved by something we don't believe to be true? do we lose joy with more thought... and less play?
when i was a child. i did not know to think or make logic out of a horror film. my mind believed what my eyes saw... even on a screen. my mind also believed what my mind wanted to believe. now. i only believe what i see... in real life. and i even question that... it seems. what happens inside us? why do we release that last bit of innocence? and do we release it? or does it release us? is this an inevitability?
it is quite a sad thing to no longer fear... or be moved... by fantasy. it is a sad thing. to no longer fear. period. and if there is anything. now. that scares. and terrifies. and petrifies. and compels me to be afraid. it is this loss. quite simply. of being afraid. and if there is anything. now. that saddens. and dejects. it is this loss. quite simply. of innocence.
Sunday
10242010
yesterday morning. i went to the hair salon. snip snip snip. i closed my eyes so i could hear the sound more clearly. and the sound was sharp. and clean. just like i wanted to look. and feel. when my trim was done. and she asked me, my hair stylist: so, what are you doing today, nevine? and i said the first thing that came to mind: relaxing. and she giggled. and said: my boyfriend and i just came back from a four-day trip, and i am exhausted. that's exactly what i need to do, too. relax. and i smiled, and opened my eyes, and said: i lied. i wish i was relaxing, today. but the truth is i have things to do. errands to run. and so, no relaxing for me. and she said: how come you don't just go on strike? and i said, what? and she said: yeah. go on strike. don't do the errands. i mean, it can all wait, you know. gosh, sometimes i just need to say it and believe it, nevine. and i thought about it for a moment. and said: okay. i'll go on strike. i won't do the errands. or the chores. or whatever else needs to be done. i'll go home and spend a relaxing afternoon doing things i enjoy doing.
and so. yesterday afternoon. i was on strike. i didn't do anything. except what i like to do. and without a morsel of guilt.
and today. i am on strike again. without a morsel of guilt.
trimmed hair. clean lines. a smiling face. a happy nevine.
and a humbling... and humble... thought: sometimes i go away. and when i do the walls do not come tumbling down.
and so. yesterday afternoon. i was on strike. i didn't do anything. except what i like to do. and without a morsel of guilt.
and today. i am on strike again. without a morsel of guilt.
trimmed hair. clean lines. a smiling face. a happy nevine.
and a humbling... and humble... thought: sometimes i go away. and when i do the walls do not come tumbling down.
Wednesday
10202010
sometimes. when i write. where there is nothing around. but the scraping of my pen. and the rustling of the paper. and the padded clamor inside my head. i hear another voice. dissuading me. interrupting my flow. i know it's the voice of my doubts. trying to work its way inside my mind. trying to work its way inside my psyche. trying to overwhelm me. and defeat me. but. this can only happen. if. i allow it. and. i do not. allow it.
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