06282011

what need is there

for words

when blossoms

are poetry?

06262011

another unsent letter…

Dear H.,

This is a new day. And finally, it has arrived. But… my head is still spinning with memories.

There are so many things I will always remember about our trip. So many moments will live with me forever. The shopping… the eating… the laughs… and getting lost in L. Remember how we were all gasping with anxiety because we were almost out of gas and we couldn’t find a gas station? The whole city was closed for the night, and here we were driving around on our last droplets of gas, not knowing where the hell we were or where the next gas station was. But… we were lost together. We felt invincible. We were unafraid. 

But one of the most bizarre moments that I know I won’t ever forget happened in the aftermath. You called me, yesterday, flustered and anguished, and said, “I completely forgot S. was sitting in the back seat, Nevine. What the hell was I thinking when I said that?” And I had to ask myself, What the hell were you thinking by not thinking? But what we say can never be unsaid. And, try as you did to reverse your words, or beautify them, or fix the situation, it was beyond repair. And I was left with my foot in my mouth, listening as you beat the bruise to a pulp, not knowing what to say… or do. 

In the absurdness of the moment, I wanted to burst out laughing. That is how peculiar it was. But then, something softened inside me. At the very last moment… something. You know that cliché about pouring salt over someone’s wounds? That’s what we would’ve been doing had I laughed after you said what you said. And I would’ve been consumed by guilt. And your presence, rather than being the consolation it was supposed to be, would’ve been a pain in my soul. 

Do you not yet understand what happened? And I almost contributed to the slap you delivered. Because, you know, nobody wants to be forgotten… ever. Imagine being forgotten when your face is stamped in someone’s rearview mirror. And they’re looking right at you… right through you… as though you’re not there. And they’re saying something that makes you feel like you want to disappear and never be found. Can you imagine that? Can you feel that loss of Self?

But I’m not altogether free of guilt, either. Because the first thought that came to my mind was, I’m so glad this happened on our way back. Had it happened on our way there, our entire day would’ve been ruined. So, really, I was thinking about myself. What mattered most to me was that our day not be touched by the merest inkling of darkness, by the smallest hint of imbalance. And so, I was more angry with you for fouling it up at the very end than I was for what you had done. Although, now that I think about it, had I been the one sitting in the back seat, with my face in your rearview mirror, listening to you make that insidious remark, so oblivious to my presence, I think I would’ve died inside. Died… one million times.

I just want to say… I hate that the ride back was so silent after what happened. I hate that my very last memories of that day are so branded with darkness. I hate that we all hugged and kissed one another goodbye in the small hours of a new day as if nothing had happened, when we all knew that something precious had cracked. I hate all of this… but I can’t change it. And if I was able to change it, now, after the fact, for what it’s worth… I don’t think I would. 

I sit in solitude.

I sit in silence.

This is a silence that can never be filled with voice. 

Yours,

N.

06232011

she said:

the youth have all departed

i said:

only the elders remain

she said:

but i can learn from them

can’t i?

i said:

beware

older is not always wiser

06212011

on this new morning

in the embrace

of a new summer sun

my black lashes

are speckled with dewdrops

of golden shimmer

like iridescent lollipops

teasing the air

inviting it

to come

to look

to lick

summer’s sweet light

from the fringes

of metaphysical perception

and i am here

i am here

...

i am here

06192011

tonight, someone in the house next door

will move the chairs and tables on their back porch.

and i will listen, hear, think,

these are the sounds of reality. understated.

unclear from beyond windows and air.

still, reality.

if i swallow a pill and draw blankets about me

and lie down in bed and close my eyes…

is this sleep?

tonight, i won’t try to sleep.

i will know i should be sleeping.

but i won’t want to sleep.

i will choose the dreamless night.

i will keep my eyes open.

i will sit beside my solitude… and let it lay its body across my back.

i will let it swallow me whole.

i will let it grab me by the ankles and pull me inside.

i will let it devour me like a dazzling poison.

i will let it speak to me.

i will let its voice echo inside the chambers of my bones.

i will let it deliver a miracle.

i will do this.

not for pain.

not for bleeding.

but for healing.

i am addicted to emotion.

06152011

today
i thirst
for alchemy

06122011

he…

complete stranger

saw me at a store

lifting heavy ceramic pots

for my front lawn

and said to me:

ma’am, you’ve got

some tomboy in you,

lifting those pots

all by your pretty self.

and i gave him

my left eyebrow

but smiled to myself

and thought:

i might have

some tomboy in me

on the outside, fool,

but on the inside

i’m all girl.

06072011

with patience

with patience

everything…

06052011

we sat by the pool. the sun reflecting off the water. stinging our eyes. stinging our skin. like small bites. like tiny pinpricks. stabbing… so lovingly.

you plunged inside.

then beckoned me.

and the water? it beckoned me, too.

how beautiful the water. how gently it caressed us. how jokingly it teased us. pushing us around from left to right. surrounding every crease of our skin. your skin. and mine. bonding us… ever more.

water…

like glue.

did you see me peek at you beneath the water?

did you see me glide my eyes over your limbs while sun and water rippled all about you?

did you feel me breathing out my love, my love?

i saw you part your lips inside that sky blue.

i heard your voice… like the sound of whales calling their mates in the wild and open sea.

i heard the birds from up above… chirping their sweet summer songs.

i felt… inside my heart… the brush of dandelion against the thirsty grass, trampled by the sparrows’ feet.

i saw…

heard…

felt…

you.

we

touched fingers…

touched lips…

touched bodies…

desire and delicacy…

moments of calm…

moments outside

the taint of imperfection…

moments… crafted

by an invisible hand.

in this water…

in my anchor…

i could not bring myself to turn away from you.

instead…

i drew nearer… and you drew nearer, yet.

and inside the depths of blue

we enveloped one another

inside… around…

the exquisiteness

of what we are.

how perfect

we are…

how flawless

… when we come

together.

06032011

sometimes

there is no place

for imagination

it happens so quickly

the thoughts

fall… from the sky of dawn

plunge… through the light of day

touch earth

then rest

still

splash

and agitate

and rouse

it happens so quickly

and my inkpot

is filled to the brim

with dreams

06012011

i dream with open eyes

of copper pennies

raining from purple skies

i dream of magic coins

kissed fervently by lovers

and tossed over shoulders

into fountains that have heard

whispers of hope for all eternity

have i ever told you

how i fish the pennies

from the fountains

and press them

to my burning eyes?

have i ever told you

how i shield my eyes

from the twisted images

of waking dreams

and cool them with

droplets of brackish water?

have i ever told you

how i steal the fervent wishes

of those who dare to dream?

i imprison

love

in the space

between coin and lip

and lick it

with my tongue

and

there

love

is mine

…

can you tease it

from between

my silent breaths?

i dare you…