10292011

you sprawl 
above me

beneath me

around me
inside me
you sink

like a meadow

dressed with flowers
you sing

and why should i

object or complain?

but i have questions

inside my head

you see…

i want to know about the blue hue

that colors your longing at night

i want to know about the way

you balance necessity and desire

i want…

there is so much i want to know

but you know… my mind…

it can’t soar across the wilderness of you

but still…

i want to know what clouds your head

sometimes

and what about

that icy feeling you have

when you remember

suddenly

things?

and what about these thoughts

i have of you?

and what about this burn

you have for me?

and what about the echo

your flesh chants

beneath my skin

when you are not near?

10262011

that certain day

that certain moment

a moment keening with truth

i started to write something

but my gut said,

close this notebook

and i saw how

that beautiful moment

was not about words

it was about silence

and stillness

and the transformation therein

10212011

a couple of weeks ago

my love said to me,

nevine, you look exhausted

nevine

nevine

without princess or preamble

and i said,

i do?

as if i didn’t know

as if i didn’t feel

and i looked at myself

in the mirror

i looked

without having to look too hard

and i told myself i had to stop

for heaven’s sake

(no… for mine)

stop

or else…

because

i caught myself running

and struggling

to catch my breath

i caught myself

heaving with exhaustion

at my own reflection

i caught myself giving

to others

giving care

and nurturing

and support

bearing their burdens

while they crumbled

beneath the weight

i caught myself

giving to others

but not

giving to me

and which crack

i wondered

had i slipped through

which crack

while pondering self-care?

where did my foot slide

beneath me?

when did my arms

not reach out to catch me

as i fell?

but i did slip

no matter how

or where

or when

i slipped

and found myself

falling

slowly…

into self-love

because who else

will love me

as i love me?

and i caught myself

at the last moment

i caught myself

by my very arms

and wrapped my arms

around me

and told me to

hold on right here, nevine

and while wrapping

i remembered

when i was a child

always running

through the woods

so i could hear the wind

sing in my hair

and while holding

i realized

i am no longer a child

and that running

through the woods

means never getting

to see the trees

10102011

i have been running

and running

and wanting to pause

while asking myself,

shall i stop?

shall i stop

and wait

and listen

for another’s footfalls

on the floor?

they might tell me,

i am here

i am here

but the footfalls

of another

would never suffice

only my feet

can lift me

can move me

can shift me

from here

to there

to here again

only my feet…

from that

to this

one footfall

and another

one breath

and the next

one touch

one sanctuary

and here

i rest

10082011

it rained again, last night. it poured as if the sky were angry at the earth for not wanting more. and what could i do but sit there in the dark and listen to it all with wonder? more decadent than the falling of the rain was its sound. some kind of secret language of lovebites and kisses, 
the pitter patter

the gentle caress of

warm lips on yearning skin

the complex lust of need need need

more eloquent

more furious

than the simple lust of desire

earth and sky

earth and sky

earth on top

sky below

the violent drumming

of primitive storm

the gift of sky’s furious hammer

and the earth unfolding

sky on top

earth below

absorbing, ever so gently

the sky’s ejaculation

how they have burned for one another!

and how i have burned

and waited

. . .

to watch, like a voyeur

their sweet release

in the ubiquity of night!

10052011

she asked me,

what do you think

of these chance encounters

of ours?

and i did not know

what to say.

i am not a believer in chance,

you see.

i am a believer

in the non-existence of coincidence.

i am a believer

in providence.

but still,

i challenge it.

and what troughs i drink from

while journeying

from ambition

to realization!

10042011

with the closing of a chapter
comes the turning of a page

10022011

last night. an odd exchange.

i.

faced with a situation. an unexpected situation. unexpected… and evil… and cruel. faced with that situation: i feigned ignorance. i played the fool.

and as i did, this truth washed over me:

feigning ignorance allows moments of revelation… followed by a sense of gratification. and not just any gratification! The Uncontested Gratification. this is the gratification that follows our allowing others to lower their defenses before us.

here was the other, before me, thinking, she’s an idiot. she’ll never be on to me! he thought this to himself, and i saw him think it! i saw it in his eyes that flickered, ever so briefly, with the delicate brushstrokes of deceit. and he so quickly… so readily… shed his false airs while thinking i wasn’t paying attention.

and all the time, i was watching… so closely. and seeing… so precisely… just what he would do next. and divining… as if by incantation… just what he would say.

and he said it! and i smiled. but only with my eyes that flickered, ever so briefly, with the delicate brushstrokes of gratification. that his eyes could see just what i wanted them to see. and he saw!

and after he saw, we parted.